Hi Miss Faith, My son is 2 and I feel like we are in a constant power struggle. I know it’s somewhat normal but I hate this, and feel bad about it. I feel like I’m constantly giving him choices but if feels manipulative. For instance, if we’re walking home from the store and he decides to lay down in the path, I’ll give him a minute to rest (though it’s not from tiredness) and then say “okay, time to walk home.” He’ll often just lay there, so I’ll say “okay, you can choose to walk, or get carried.” If he doesn’t choose, I’ll say, “if you don’t want to choose, I’ll choose for you” (I try to say it in a kind way, not a threatening way). I’ve even been using your technique of saying “it looks like you need help choosing,” or if he gets upset that I’m carrying him and says he wants to walk I usually give him one chance to walk and if it doesn’t work I’ll say “okay, I’m going to make the choice now – I’ll carry you.” I will tell him his time for choosing is over and he can choose again next time. However, even with these words (which are very helpful) it still feels like a constant power struggle – this type of thing happens all day long. I know he is figuring out his place in the world and our family, and I want to encourage this. I’m wondering how you deal with particularly stubborn toddlers. You have so many wonderful ideas for how to talk with kids so I was hoping you could elaborate on how you would handle a situation, like the one above, with child that was just not cooperating?
Dear Mama,
Thank you, Miss Faith! I needed these words today.
Oh wow this post was perfect timing for me. My two-year old is doing the same things and I have been giving him choices, threatening time out, all of which he just ignores as if he didn’t hear me. Then he just starts being contrary and demands one thing over and over until I acquiesce then suddenly that’s not what he wants but in fact the opposite. I think this “play” idea is exactly what he needs from me and I’m excited to try it! Thank you so much!
That’s great! Let us know how it goes!
Thank you, thank you for your beautiful blog! I just found it the other day, and it has already helped me, tremendously, in my day to day interactions with my almost 2 year-old. We have a new baby, and I’ve been so tired and overwhelmed at times that I feel like I’ve lost my “touch” with my older son, and at such a big transition time for him too! Just the little bit of reading I’ve done here on your site has really helped me recover my patience, creativity and joyfulness during some of our trickier, stickier moments:)
Kaetlyn, Thanks for writing, and I’m so glad!
Thank you for this. My son is 17 months old, and often the language of choice does work, especially if I word in a way where there’s no lose. At bedtime, I say, “do you want to turn off your light, or do you want Mama to do it.” And he’ll either say “mama!” and I’ll go do it, or more recently, he runs over and does it himself, and then comes back and lies on the bed. But in things like, it’s time to go do something and he doesn’t want to, I do feel like there’s a power struggle and I was wondering if there was a better way then the language of choice, especially as I’m not sure how much he understands (I think that language will be more effective when he’s say, 3 or so…)
Anyway, I’m going to start trying more of this. Thank you!
Let us know how it goes!
Thank you so much!! I’ve been feeling really stuck and sad about how I am mothering my 3.5 yo daughter. She doesn’t seem to listen to a word I say & I’m getting locked into an unhappy battle. It’s often hard to apply what I read but examples you give on this website are so practical and helpful!!!
I’m so glad, Tracy! Pour some love into that little girl of yours, and remember how you two can enjoy one another.