This is the second part of my response to the mom who wrote this letter:
Hi Miss Faith,
I love love your blog and reading it often as I have a newly 3 year old and a 9 month old at home. I have a questing regarding whiny and near constant meltdowns with my 3 year old. We found the 2’s to be very easy, not terrible at all but have found the 3’s to be very challenging so far. She is extremely whiny and almost everything results in meltdowns and tears. I for the first time, am finding myself NOT enjoying my time with her and that makes me sad. Just this morning she didn’t want to get dressed, I gave her a 5 min and a 1 min warning and then when it was time she yelled “no” and cried. Then she said she wanted raisins, I brought them to her and they were the wrong kind, more tears. You get the idea.
But It’s Hard!
Yes, it is absolutely hard work to keep your pleasant demeanor when your child is being whiny, or disrespectful, or demanding, over and over again. It is hard to model the pleasant tone/behavior that you want her to imitate, especially if she’s pushing your buttons. So what to do?
One thing I do when a child feels challenging is this: a child exhibits a challenging behavior (such as demanding raisins and then crying because they’re not what she wanted). I take a deep breath and imagine stepping backwards into what I refer to as my “Goddess Space.” I know/imagine that my back-space is filled with the Goddess spirit, and when I step backwards into it, I reconnect with that energy. When I’m there, I can dis-connect from the things that push my buttons. I don’t have to take things personally. From the Goddess Space I can see what this child needs in order to grow, and what kind of support she needs in order to learn to regulate herself. And often, then, I can do it from a place of compassion.
Thank you Miss Faith for your great insight into toddlers. As our little guy is about to turn two, we have been thrust into "no" land, and these are great tips for working with that. I always appreciate your compassion, your knowledge and your overwhelmingly positive approach to children this age. I will never forget when I heard you say to a child that had just thrown sand on a friend, "we can throw sand on ourselves!" You have an amazing ability to find a positive way of working with and around volatile toddler energy. thank you,
Katie
I needed that today…thanks! I wish I could always find my Godess Space. It’s so nice to know I’m not alone working on these parenting values.
I just found your blog by Google searching meltdowns. My 2.5yo has changed. She’s having huge dramatic screaming meltdowns over EVERYTHING. The only thing to calm her is getting what she wants or eventually accepting my love and comfort, or pacifiers. Which we don’t want her to have her pacifiers anymore but they stop her very dramatic meltdowns instantly and help her gain composure. She used to be easily distracted away to something else in the “no” moments. Or if she’d start a tantrum I’d say “do you need a hug” and it’d stop wit a hug. Now it’s all just no no no no and screaming and hitting and kicking and pulls her own hair and hits herself until she eventually accepts a hug and comfort or her pacifier. I need help! I’m starting to question her sleeping and eating habits if something went wrong! She is fighting bedtime these days and we recently quit nursing.
Randi, Thanks for writing. Two-and-a-half is often a time of big developmental shifts, when things that were working fine, suddenly stop working. This is a time when kids suddenly need MORE: more structured activities, more ways they can help and be “big,” more clear boundaries. They are no longer floating along like the littler toddlers do. One part of this is that they have big floods of emotions that they don’t have experience dealing with, which is what it sounds like your daughter is experiencing. It’s very important that you let her know that 1) Her big feelings don’t scare or overwhelm you, and that 2) She will learn how to get herself under control, and you will help her. You staying calm is an important piece of this! If you want some one-on-one support, I am available for phone calls; send me an email through the “contact me” form and I’ll get back to you. But don’t worry. You will help your daughter get these big feelings under control, and she will go back to being the sweet girl that you know. And—good for you for looking at sleep and food; those DEFINITELY affect toddlers’ abilities to be resilient. When kids are going through growth spurts or developmental leaps, they often need more sleep than they did in the past. Try putting her down half an hour earlier and see if she continues to sleep till the same time in the morning. This may help to ease things considerably.
Thank you for your article and words of wisdom. My favourite book on this topic is “Tears and Tantrums” by Aletha Solter
https://www.thriftbooks.com/w/tears-and-tantrums-what-to-do-when-babies-and-children-cry_aletha-jauch-solter/322091/?resultid=71fb865c-09ff-4df3-ba63-460487f8ed67#edition=2953513&idiq=4220457
All of the books from The Aware Parenting Institute are so helpful. As a caregiver for children in my community and as a personal healing my own inner child, I have learned so much from these compassionate approaches to accepting and supporting all emotions, and choosing connection.
I was especially touched in this article about the scenario in the grocery store. It makes me wonder how many times I could take a short, private snuggle with myself to reconnect when I am feeling depleted. Thank you.