“Treat people as if they were what they ought to be and you help them to become what they are capable of being.” -Goethe
I love this quote by Goethe. We all notice that sometimes we’re more of our “highest selves” than others: when we get enough sleep, when we’re getting support and fun from our friends and spouses, when we get enough time for ourselves, we are able to be much closer to our “best selves” with our children: we roll with the punches, we use humor and compassion to help them through hard times, and we enjoy ourselves and them. And we’ve all noticed that children are sometimes much closer to their “best selves” than others. One of our tasks, as parents and caregivers, is to help children be their “best selves” as often as possible. One way to do this is to set them up for success (make sure they get enough sleep, have a strong daily rhythm, follow through with support when they need help doing things, be our “best selves” as often as possible, etc.).
But there’s another piece to helping children grow into their “best selves.” This has to do with helping them become balanced in their strengths. This lesson really sank in for me from an offhand comment by a friend. We were at an early childhood conference together, and between workshops we were eating lunch and talking about the workshops we had attended. She had a son who was six years old, very intelligent, very intense and somewhat overwhelming. Interested in everything, he always wanted to be the center of attention, and often dominated conversations. She said, “My workshop leader made an interesting comment. She works with a group call The Virtues Project, and she said that it sounds like my son has an excess of enthusiasm, which is a virtue. Instead of trying to dampen down his enthusiasm, I could work to strengthen other virtues that would balance him out. In this case, she suggested that I strengthen his sense of respectfulness.” Knowing her son as I did, I was absolutely astounded. Yes! That was exactly what was needed! What an incredible way of viewing the situation.
Using this idea, it’s possible to look at any behavior that is ‘too much’ as a virtue, which is calling out for a balancing virtue: A whiny child might need to strengthen her patience: with patience, a child who knows what she wants or needs can be a joy. A child who doesn’t do what you ask might need to learn self-control, or respect: with respect, being strong-willed is a great strength. A child who cries a lot might need to learn resilience, or bravery: a resilient child who experiences things deeply is a blessing.
The virtues don’t correspond one-to-one: to help a child who is bossy, for example, you might encourage him to develop empathy, or respectfulness, or helpfulness, or even fairness. The trick is to think of which one might really catch your child’s imagination: being a knight who helps those who are weaker than he is might be just the image your child needs. Then you can develop that virtue of helpfulness with your child in all areas of his life: you two might bake cookies to take to the old-folks’ home, let him help his little brother dress to go outside, help you carry in the groceries, think ahead to what might help dad when he gets home or his teacher at school. Tell stories about other people who go out of their way to be helpful, notice out loud when you see people being helpful, and generally work to make it a value in your family. Your bossy son can grow into this image, putting his strong organizational skills to work helping those around him and becoming someone that everyone wants to have around. Supporting children to grow into their best selves through developing balance will serve them well in the realm of the Social Arts.